I can clearly remember how excited I was as I typed the final words of my thesis manuscript, “Light of Grace.” I’d experienced that feeling once before when, after ten years, I finally finished my very first attempt at writing a novel. But this time it felt special – as if only by the grace of God, I’d finished something He’d put before me to do. In all honesty, there were tears in my eyes as I brought my character’s story to its fitting end – an end that came through a new beginning. To say that I was filled with mixed emotions would be an understatement. I was thrilled to have accomplished my goal. I was relieved that my days as a graduate student were drawing to a close after earning both my MA and my MFA. I was excited about the what God had in store for me next.

FIRST STEPS

Based on all the positive feedback I’d received from my professor over the course of my three thesis classes, I ended my novel feeling ready to take the next step towards publication – securing a literary agent. I also decided that if I was going to do this, I was going to start by querying one of the bigger agents in my genre who represented one of my favorite Christian authors, Catherine West. My thought was, “What do I have to lose?” I had all the pieces in place to complete the agency’s submission requirements so I carefully put each where it needed to go. With my heart in my throat, I hesitated, with my finger poised over the “submit” button for what seemed like forever – but finally, I gathered up the courage to hit it. In an instant, my first query was gone – and the waiting game began. I knew it could take up to 60 days to receive a reply, so I did my best to just “forget” about it.

It took less than a week for a reply to come…

IT’S ALL IN HOW YOU LOOK AT IT

Ms. Gardner began her reply by telling me that she liked my idea and really thought it had potential. My breath caught in my chest. Could this be my first real chance at becoming a published author – something I’d dreamed about since the age of fifteen? She went on to say, however, that while she wished she could offer me representation, the major publishers she works with required a solid author platform (social media following, ect) before accepting a manuscript. My heart fell. This was the one thing I didn’t have. While I was exposed to the process in my MFA program, I had (have) no real understanding of how to get this following if I haven’t published yet. She suggested that I take a year to work on developing my author platform and that then, I might have a good chance with a major publisher.

I was disappointed. I’m not going to lie. Having to try to do something that I have no real idea how to do was overwhelming in that moment. But the more I thought about it – an re-read her email – the more I could see the positive side of things. I’d just had an agent tell me she wished she could offer to represent me. She told me that I might have a chance with a major publisher in my genre (Christian fiction). She took time to offer advice on what steps to take. I went from being disappointed to being grateful for her email. Without it, I would have no idea where to go next.

LIFE AFTER GRADUATE SCHOOL

Here’s the funny part – okay, it’s not really funny, but more ironic in my opinion. Since graduating in April, it’s almost as if my creative muse has gone on vacation. I’ve pretty much been dead in the water. I haven’t been able to write, or even to edit really. This goes for both my fiction and my devotional project, which was placed on the back-burner while I was in those final 3 classes. It’s almost as if God gave me the determination to finish “Light of Grace” and then took a step back in giving direction and inspiration. In short, I’ve kind of been floundering around feeling as if I have no purpose.

I explained this to a trusted friend. I related it to how my passion for hiking of the AT seems to have hit a wall (it’s not that I don’t want to go, but more that it just hasn’t worked out to do so) – and I wondered if my dream of becoming a published author was hitting its own roadblocks. I’ve prayed that’s not the case because I don’t know where I’d turn my creative focus onto if I couldn’t write anymore. It’s not that I care about success. I’ve always said that if I touch one person and help them in some way through sharing my faith in my writing, then I consider myself successful. It’s about feeling like I’ve lost my purpose – and it’s caused me to wonder if maybe I was wrong when I felt as if God was giving me the opportunity to use the gifts He’s given me – the gifts of the written word.

This trusted friend reminded me of something the prophet, Jeremiah, probably felt when he was called out of his young life to carry God’s message to His people. Whatever “plan” he’d had for his life was completely derailed. But in doing so, God had something bigger for him. Do I feel God “called” me to be a Christian fiction writer because He had a specific message He wanted me to give to the readers? No, not really. I believe He called me to use my gifts to share His message of love, grace, and mercy through the lives of the characters I bring to life in my writing. And now that I can’t seem to do that, I’ve been restless and out-of-sorts.

THE MESSAGE IN IT ALL

After having some time to think about the guidance my friend gave me, this is what resonates with the most: God isn’t saying to me, “Get up and do something!” Instead, He’s saying, “Don’t do anything – just stand there – be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).

I don’t know what’s next in this story of mine that God is writing – but I know the One who does – and I will remind myself of that every time I feel like I should be doing something. In His perfect timing, He will tell me what’s next.

Are “Things” too Important?

I’ve never been a materialistic person.  “Things” just don’t matter much to me.  My ex husband could never understand it when I’d tell him that what meant more to me on special occasions was quality time or being made to feel like I mattered rather than buying me expensive gifts.  Still – I tend to take for granted all the “things” God has blessed me with.  I also tend to place more importance on some of those “things” than I should.  Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy the basic creature comforts – AC, a hot shower – that sort of thing.  It’s just that God uses these trips to my sister’s property in NC, which she’s in the process of trying to develop into a homestead, off-grid type of lifestyle rather than one filled with all the latest technology – it’s come a long way, but there’s still much to be done – to teach me what I truly need and what it really means to “live.”

Yes, she has a reliable spring which provides lots of good, clean water – but getting that water took a lot of work.  Yes – it started out with a hand-built outhouse type of restroom, which just on this trip was replaced with a regular, flushing toilet located inside of the old house that still stands on the front of her property.  There’s an outdoor shower complete with a propane hot water heater so hot showers are available.  Everything about that lifestyle is a bit harder than what we have here – but at the end of the day when I would fall into bed, I slept well with my body tired from doing the work required for just basic household tasks. 

What Humbled Me

How did God use this to humble me?  Well, as I just mentioned, He showed me what I truly need versus what my flesh wants. 

He also used this trip to humble me in that He showed me the best of humanity.  By that I simply mean that her property is located in a very rural, poor part of the state of NC.  There are so many that really don’t “have” much – and yet, they take care of each other and they share what they’ve got.  We have been accepted into there community (which is basically the street her property is located on), and welcomed with open arms.  One of her neighbors has opened up his house to us – whatever we might need, whether it’s laundry, a shower, or use of the freezer – he opened his house to us whenever we need something.  They’re building the cabin by hand with the help of two of the guys who live on their street – people they met as they drove by and saw them on the property. 

What it Means to Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

We were all sitting around on the last night of the trip – my brother and his wife drove up for a couple of days – and the man who opened his house to us drove up with a bowl full of cold melons that he’d cut up for us.  When he left, my brother was shocked.  He said, “That guy is really nice.  I’m not used to having someone think about you even when you’re not around and bring stuff like that.”  You have to understand that some of these folks have had a hard life in ways that we can’t even imagine.  They’re also part of the history of the area – their families date back many, many years – but to them, we are not “outsiders” or “people from Florida” as they call some of the people who visit the area.  We are part of their family.  God humbled me by showing me what He means when He tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves. 

Opening My Eyes

God also used this trip to open my eyes and soften my heart in that I was able to recognize the gift He was giving me – us – in these people who welcomed us so willingly.  I was invited to attend church the next time I come up – it’s a small Baptist church that’s been there forever.  One man is going to build a fire pit on his property down by the creek so we can all gather and just hang out next time we come.  This same man lost his wife while we were there in June last year.  I’d met him over the trip my sister and I took back in November of 2020, but was so caught up in the darkness of my anxiety and other issues that I was unable to see the person he is.  God opened my eyes and softened my heart towards him and allowed me to see his kindness this time.  This is the same man who brought us the melon that evening.  I realized it wasn’t just my brother who was so not use to people being so genuine and kind – so willing to go out of their way to help – I’d been that person too. 

Softening My Heart

Lastly, God used this trip to open my eyes and soften my heart to see past the differences in our lifestyles to see how we’re really the same.  The people there love being in the mountains just as I do.  One man said he’d gone out of town for work and by the time he’d been gone 4 hours, he was homesick.  So many enjoy hiking in those mountains just as I do and often spend multiple nights out on a trail doing so.  They enjoy camping.  Family is important to them.  Most of all, the majority of them worship God just as I do – worshiping Him is just as important to them as it is to me.  Most have had hard lives, walking through things I can’t even imagine going through – and yet, they found the strength in the Lord that they needed to overcome it.

Building Me Up

Finally, God used this trip – as He always does – to build me up and fill my heart with His peace.  He is so evident in His Creation all around me.  I saw Him in the woods.  I saw Him in the clouds.  His light shone brightly in the darkness, reflected in the thousands upon thousands of fireflies that lit up each night. I saw Him everywhere and He gave my weary soul its rest from all my troubles.  He even spoke to me through a sign I saw on a church – “Stop picking up what you’ve already laid down at God’s feet.  On our final night, He gave me a treat.  We were gathered on the front porch of the old house due to a thunderstorm, and while we were sitting there, I looked out across to the neighbor’s property just in time to see a full grown black pair stroll across the hillside as it made it’s way up to the ridge line and over into the national forest.  It might have been 100 yards away, but not much more.  It kind of looked over at us for a second, and then lumbered on its way.  While I have a healthy respect (and a pretty big dose of fear) for them, they are truly magnificent creatures to see in the wild.  I only wish I’d had my phone on me so I could have gotten a picture – but I have that picture in my mind.  God knew it would be the perfect way to bring my time up there to a close.

I’m home now – and I’ll admit that bed felt really good last night – but, while I’ve learned to be content where God’s placed me, I believe His plan for me will lead me back up to where I find Him surrounding me.  Yes, Florida belongs to Him – but those mountains will forever be God’s country in my heart.

I’ve been struggling today with all the emotions the trials I’m walking through have brought to the surface. I “know” that I’m supposed to give it all to God, but I am having a hard time trying to do that – the anxiety comes and goes, along with all that comes with it. Jesus never promised me that He’d remove me from those hard times – from the things that sometimes seem so large and overwhelming. What He gave me were His promises – His Word – and what I’m sharing today was inspired by a Scripture verse that has reached deep into my heart – at the very core of my insecurities – and reassured me that, even when if feels that no one hears me or that my cries get lost deep in the shuffle of everyday life, He is still there.

SEEN

I think we are born with the longing to be seen.  From the moment we take our first breath, we just want to be loved.  It’s not a conscious desire that we put into words, but we can communicate it with those around us.  As we grow and life slips in and robs us of our childhood innocence, we’re often left with hardened hearts and deeply embedded messages in our minds that tell us we’re not good enough.

As we step into our roles:

We carry these messages with us as we step into the roles we’re expected to fill – a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a fulltime career, a caregiver – and somewhere in the midst of trying to do all of those things, we lose ourselves.  Life becomes nothing but a series of going through the motions, without a sense of purpose and, often times, without our dreams. We do the best we can with what we’ve got inside of us.  We make our mistakes along the way – some of which hurt others – most of which hurt us even more.  We carry on, though, in spite of feeling as if there’s no one out there who can look past the façade we present to the world and just see who we really are.

What do they see?

I often wonder what someone sees when they look at me – if they can see the good parts of me, or if all they see is what’s on the surface without taking time to see what’s in my heart.  Can they see past the walls to all the mistakes I’ve made in my lifetime?  Do they see someone whose sins are many and feels unworthy of being loved?  Can they see past those times when I try to reach out only to fail because I don’t know how – or do they look at those jumbled attempts and figure it’s best to keep me at arm’s length? 

Is anyone out there?

Sometimes I just want to stand on the rooftop and scream “See me!”  My soul grows weary from just wanting to be seen for who I truly am rather than who I appear to be on the surface.  There are days when I want to give up and resign myself to a life of invisibility.

He sees…

It’s in my weakest moments, however, that Jesus reaches down from the heavens to take me in His arms.  He dries my tears and reminds me that I am His, that I am loved, and that He sees me for who I am.  Most of all, He whispers in my ear that all those mistakes I’ve made – all those sins I’ve committed – are part of the past.  Because of His great love for me, I am seen – I am forgiven – and He tells me that the woman He sees when He looks at me is who I should see when I look at myself because my identity is in Him.

“Do you see this woman?  …her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much.” ~Luke 7:44,47 

Let’s Talk.

We all have those days – those days when we can be so aware of all of our blessings and yet feel as if we’re walking though our trials alone – days when it seems as if nobody sees us. If you’re comfortable sharing yours, please do so in the “Leave Comment” section to your left. I’d love to hear from you.

***This was taken from the upcoming collaborative devotional I’m currently working on with William Obaugh, “Journeys of Faith: Two Ordinary People, One Extraordinary God.

I’ve been struggling today with all the emotions the trials I’m walking through have brought to the surface. I “know” that I’m supposed to give it all to God, but I am having a hard time trying to do that – the anxiety comes and goes, along with all that comes with it. Jesus never promised me that He’d remove me from those hard times – from the things that sometimes seem so large and overwhelming. What He gave me were His promises – His Word – and what I’m sharing today was inspired by a Scripture verse that has reached deep into my heart – at the very core of my insecurities – and reassured me that, even when if feels that no one hears me or that my cries get lost deep in the shuffle of everyday life, He is still there.

SEEN

I think we are born with the longing to be seen.  From the moment we take our first breath, we just want to be loved.  It’s not a conscious desire that we put into words, but we can communicate it with those around us.  As we grow and life slips in and robs us of our childhood innocence, we’re often left with hardened hearts and deeply embedded messages in our minds that tell us we’re not good enough.

As we step into our roles:

We carry these messages with us as we step into the roles we’re expected to fill – a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a fulltime career, a caregiver – and somewhere in the midst of trying to do all of those things, we lose ourselves.  Life becomes nothing but a series of going through the motions, without a sense of purpose and, often times, without our dreams. We do the best we can with what we’ve got inside of us.  We make our mistakes along the way – some of which hurt others – most of which hurt us even more.  We carry on, though, in spite of feeling as if there’s no one out there who can look past the façade we present to the world and just see who we really are.

What do they see?

I often wonder what someone sees when they look at me – if they can see the good parts of me, or if all they see is what’s on the surface without taking time to see what’s in my heart.  Can they see past the walls to all the mistakes I’ve made in my lifetime?  Do they see someone whose sins are many and feels unworthy of being loved?  Can they see past those times when I try to reach out only to fail because I don’t know how – or do they look at those jumbled attempts and figure it’s best to keep me at arm’s length? 

Is anyone out there?

Sometimes I just want to stand on the rooftop and scream “See me!”  My soul grows weary from just wanting to be seen for who I truly am rather than who I appear to be on the surface.  There are days when I want to give up and resign myself to a life of invisibility.

He sees…

It’s in my weakest moments, however, that Jesus reaches down from the heavens to take me in His arms.  He dries my tears and reminds me that I am His, that I am loved, and that He sees me for who I am.  Most of all, He whispers in my ear that all those mistakes I’ve made – all those sins I’ve committed – are part of the past.  Because of His great love for me, I am seen – I am forgiven – and He tells me that the woman He sees when He looks at me is who I should see when I look at myself because my identity is in Him.

“Do you see this woman?  …her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much.” ~Luke 7:44,47 

Let’s Talk.

We all have those days – those days when we can be so aware of all of our blessings and yet feel as if we’re walking though our trials alone – days when it seems as if nobody sees us. If you’re comfortable sharing yours, please do so in the “Leave Comment” section to your left. I’d love to hear from you.

***This was taken from the upcoming collaborative devotional I’m currently working on with William Obaugh, “Journeys of Faith: Two Ordinary People, One Extraordinary God.